Question: I was trying to meditate today again. I sat on my bedside and did the deep breathing technique then tried to watch with awareness. Eventually, I felt separated from my body, the body was still there and if I needed to move I could but I just felt distant from the body. Then I was focusing on my mind, I felt my body and mind was going into sleep mode. So I tried to keep as much awareness as possible. It was very difficult at many times I felt like I was going to loose consciousness and just dream. So many images and thoughts were flooding in and I kept watching and watching and trying to not fall into the images and dreams. Every moment I got lost into a thought I would realize hey wait! this is a thought it’s of the mind it’s not real! remember to watch remember to watch. Then all of a sudden I felt a sudden jolt push my eyes to look toward my forehead. A lot of pressure in the head area, and then a very relaxing very open expanding feeling. I felt this weird pressure in my tongue. It forced my tongue to touch the top of my mouth area and it felt really comfortable and relaxing. Then my body started to feel like open space as my whole being was expanding into openess, it felt really nice. Then a thought came in and said do not get lost in experiences remember to just keep watching.
This is where things kind of got confusing. The peaceful feeling was fading away and then I felt lots of layers, and lots of dense thoughts and feelings. It was very difficult for my mind to penetrate and then eventually I just faded out of it and had a feeling I should just come out of meditation or I will just fall asleep and dream.
When I go through this experiences I feel a split:
One side gets really excited and feels like I’m progressing and really enjoys the experiences because it doesn’t know what to expect, it’s like an inner journey into the unknown.
Then there’s another side that wants to control and makes sure I’m doing things “right” so it tries to remind me to watch, and it criticize etc.. It feels like the thoughts of the things I read, like reminders that try to help and say do this and do that.
I’m trying my best to describe; when I go into the “inner” being it just gets really confusing and mucky. Like so many voices, so many thoughts, I don’t even know who the heck I’am.. at times I remember I’m suppose to be the watcher, at other times I think I’m the thought, the voice, the mind, it’s like I’m all over the place and yet I’m not. I’m here one moment then I’m there the next. Things usually get so mucky or hard to penetrate that I just fall asleep from mental exhaustion, or I just get out of that state and go back into waking.
Answer : : Well whatever be the feeling you are facing right now, at least you are on the right path. Such moments will come when you become confused whether to enjoy the experience or just be watchful. This split is also natural. You will be excited on this progress, yet a bit apprehensive of doing things ‘right’. It’s again the nature of the mind which is very subtle and keep arising doubts and confusion in us. My advise to you is not to be very serious and don’t try too hard. Let the progress be natural and gradual. We all have a long way to go. The key to progress is the attitude of ‘witness’. Mind will produce many games like this; but if you keep watching it with a non-attached attitude of witness then soon you will be able to realize your true self.
You says : “at times I remember I’m suppose to be the watcher”
You are not supposed to be a watcher. You are the watcher. You only need to realize this fact. We can realize that thoughts comes, the desires comes, the action comes. However, who makes us realize that they come ? He is already there; the real you. And you don’t need to suppose that. It’s not a belief, it’s a reality.