Tips for Stress free life > Expert Zone > Relationships
Relationships Tips by experts
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
Tips for Stress free life > Expert Zone > Relationships Relationships Tips by experts |
|
|
|
|
Should I Give Up Me To Not Lose You?
How far can you afford to bend your values to preserve your relationship? How far can you go in giving yourself up to avoid losing your partner? How much of yourself can you afford to sacrifice to not lose someone you love? How do we find the balance between maintaining our integrity and bending our values? Most relationships require us to bend to a certain extent, but how much can we bend without a sense of loss of self? There is an inherent paradox in these questions: A truly loving relationship is a relationship where each person accepts and even values the differences between them. If you have to excessively bend your values to preserve the relationship, what are you preserving? You are not preserving a loving relationship since love does not demand that you excessively bend your values. Rather than look at relationship in terms of bending values to accommodate another person, let's look at it in terms of each person learning and growing as a result of their differences in values. For example, Patricia is a highly responsible person with a strong work ethic, while Sam tends to let things go a lot, which results in an imbalance regarding financial responsibility in the relationship. Patricia is not happy about this. Does she just accept these differences to preserve the relationship? No! That is not what a good relationship is really about. Since a good relationship is about each person learning and growing from their differences, rather than one or both people giving themselves up, Sam and Patricia need to engage in open explorations about their differences. They each have beliefs that can be explored, and in this process, new learning occurs that leads to intrinsic change rather than superficial compromise. The real problem occurs when one or both partners are not available for exploration and learning. If one partner says, "Just accept me the way I am," or gets angry or withdrawn when the other partner attempts to discuss the situation, no learning can take place. Then the other partner either has to accommodate or leave - not a healthy situation. Joe is extremely neat, while Julia has a hard time putting things away. Roberta is always on time while Cecelia is always late. Maggie is a spender while David is a saver. Carl has a high sex drive while Andrea has a low sex drive. Angie is an authoritarian parent while Curt is a permissive parent. Ronald is highly social while Greg is a homebody. Depending upon whether or not each person is open to learning, these differences can lead to:
The outcome of these conflicts depend entirely upon intent. There are only two possible intents in any given moment: The intent to protect against pain or the intent to learn about loive. When one or both partners have the intent to protect against pain, then they will find many controlling ways of avoiding dealing with the differences. They may argue, defend, withdraw, blame, give in, resist, explain, and so on, Each is intent on having their way, not being controlled by the other, or avoiding the other's rejection. This will always lead to distance and unhappiness in the relationship. The problem is not in the differences themselves, but rather in the unwillingness to learn and grow from the differences. When both partners are open to learning about their differences, their differences become fertile ground for the exciting process of personal and spiritual growth and healing. We cannot make another person be open to learning - we don't have that control over others. If you are in a relationship where your partner refuses learn and grow from the differences, then you need to be honest with yourself regarding how much of yourself you can give up and still maintain a sense of integrity. You cannot afford to compromise your personal integrity. You can bend and accommodate as long as you do not feel as if you are losing yourself. Once you feel that you are losing yourself to preserve the relationship, you will likely find yourself so resentful of the other person that the relationship begin to fall apart anyway as a result of giving yourself up. You are not preserving it by accommodating - you are destroying it while losing yourself. The key is to be willing to come up against conflict and rejection, and even lose the other person rather than continue to accommodate when going along with what your partner wants means a loss of your personal integrity. On the emotional and spiritual level, you can afford to lose your partner but you cannot afford to lose yourself. About The Author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
MORE RESOURCES: See the complete list of Articles on Relationships here Have a look at Best Selling Books on Relationships
See also : Other articles on
Depression,
Grief Loss,
Happiness,
Humor,
Inspirational,
Motivation,
Why not be an expert yourself ? If you can write on
any of the above topic, you are welcome to submit your Submit
your article here |
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
The Revenge Affair: Characteristics of the Adulterer "I Want to Get Back at Him/Her" is one of 6 kinds of affairs I outline in my E-book.This is the "revenge affair. 3 Principals That Will Keep a Long Lasting Relationship Many of us have had a broken heart and hurt feeling because the relationship that we had didn't work out. It's ok, we are not made to be a perfect human being but we can learn from our experience and move on toward our future. Do Men Just Want Mommy? Accomplished women are losers in romance claims NY Times columnist Maureen Dowd in her column titled "Men Just Want Mommy." She says powerful men want to marry women who are caretakers like secretaries, assistants, nannies, flight attendants, etc. Great Relationship Advice: Declaration or Demonstration Q: Could you help us settle a growing conflict in our marriage? I always tell my wife I love her and would do anything in the world for her. That doesn't seem to do it for her. Beware of Becoming a Professional Online Dater Every year, hundreds of thousands of people find their "perfect match" through online dating services. And every year hundreds of thousands more become discouraged from their experiences. If He Insists That You Work... Once, when asked about her life, former First Lady Barbara Bush said, "I married well."Is it wrong to want to marry well? Ladies, it's all about survival - and it's all about what you will be able to do for your children. Your Next Argument: 10 Thngs to Consider Before You Get There 1. It's addictive. How Compatible Are You and Your Partner? What are the things you argue about? Where are the disagreements? The small resentments? Where do you have to give in to get along?Do you argue over money? Are you fighting over sex? Do you have different ideas about how much time you should spend together and apart? Do you squabble over extended family and friends? Is one of you daring and reckless, while the other wants to play things safe? Does one of you want to be right all the time? Does one of you want to always be in control? Do you disagree about the fun activities in your life?Couples may have conflict over many areas but do you know there is a simple explanation for the conflict? When looking for a life partner, it is a good idea to take a close look at your "Need Strength Profile", based on Dr. William Glasser's work in the area of Choice Theory. Relationship Advice: Wash that (Bad) Man Out of Your Hair Stuck on a guy who cheats on you? Lies? Claims he loves you but can't marry you because a) his wife won't divorce him, b) his last relationship ended so painfully it nearly killed him, or c) he can't make a commitment until his kids are in college?Here's how to get unstuck:1) Understand that you have no control over the situation. You can't make a man love you the way you deserve to be loved, you can't keep him faithful, you can't force him to tell the truth. The Secret Power of Romance and How It Can Work for You There are some men who will never understand the importance of romance. They may be lazy or don't feel like investing any of their time for something silly like romance. Cheating Wives and Cheating Husbands Give Different Reasons for Having Extramarital Affairs Infidelity studies indicate that the percentage of cheating wives is fast approaching the percentage of cheating husbands wives. But the studies also reveal that men and women who are cheating on their spouses give different reasons to justify their extramarital affairs. Quick Tips for Writing Love Letters * Be in a good mood when writing a love letter. Never try to write a love letter when you're in a bad mood, not only will it be more difficult to write but your bad vibes will make their way into the letter. Attraction vs. Love When we first meet someone, regardless of the way or medium that we meet, we are either attracted or not. Attraction, when pursued, eventually grows into levels of friendship and then may cross the barriers we build up, to protect ourselves, and grow into love. Relationship Advice: Voices of Experience on the Radio A few years back I was on a radio talk show out of New Orleans called "The Andre' Show" discussing "What Makes a Marriage Successful".The producers had seen my column in the New Orleans paper and decided to create a talk show topic from the column. Easy Ways to Turn Any Evening Romantic If you don't have the time, money or energy to plan and execute the perfect date, you're not alone. The good news is you can set up a romantic evening in just a few minutes and without any cost. Link Romantic Feelings To The Sight Of Your Face Anchoring is an NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) term used to describe the mind's tendency to associate two unrelated events or experiences, especially when a strong emotion is present.For example, if your mother fed you chicken soup when you were ill as a child, you will always associate chicken soup to being loved and cared for. 7 Things You Must Know About Women Most men find women mysterious and confusing. You find us difficult to figure out. Lifelong Partners, Lifelong Growth Many people, maybe even you, think there is only one life partner for each of us in our lives. I've got good news - we all have many, many life partners. Gag Gifts Gag gifts can be very funny. They can also cause pain for the recipient, so you must choose your gag gift carefully. Romancing The Senses Romance can be experienced in numerous ways, but it is best enjoyed when you get all your senses in on the action. The following are suggestions for getting the most out of romance, one sense at a time.
|
|
You are here |
|
| Relationship Tips Home | Relationship Tips - Complete list | |
|
| Main Home | | Meditation Corner | |
|
|
| Recommend us | |
|
[About
us] [Contact] [Privacy
Policy]
Copyright 2006, Meditation
is Easy.com, All
rights reserved
