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The Grammar of Good Communication

No, this is not a rehash of primary-school grammar; nor is it adiscourse on the finer points of rhetoric!

There are some practical points which can make a powerfuldifference in the efficacy of your communication -- whether onthe job, with your spouse or when you are among friends.

What is "good communication?" Much of what passes forconversation is a play with two performers, each impatientlywaiting for the other to finish so they can declaim the linesthey've been preparing as the other is talking.

Good communication is using words to express meaning -- clearly,efficiently and without ambiguity. This is most important in the communication which takes place between two people who want to make themselves understood in order to have a useful exchange of significant information about themselves or their relationship.

This information is likely to have an emotional component, andmay be a complex mixture of fact and feeling. This is typicallythe language of relationship, though in reality manyrelationships are rather devoid of this level of communication.

I read a research study long ago which looked at the quantity and quality of communication between spouses with children. Theoverall amount of communication between spouses was surprisinglysmall (twenty minutes a day, or thereabouts); of that some eighty to ninety percent was spent talking about the children, the day's schedule, plans to be made, or tasks to be done. Only some ten to twenty percent (of the twenty minutes!) was "relationship talk" between the spouses, where they shared feelings or meaningful dialogue about the nature of their relationship.

The need for more quality communication within marriages is thesubject of another piece. Here I wish to make some structural or grammatical suggestions which can greatly enhance the efficiency and accuracy of complex communication.

It is important to make "I statements" -- sentences which beginwith the word "I". "I feel tired today;" I am upset about X;" "I would like to go out to dinner tonight,". A common colloquialism in America is to say something like "You feel mad when someone cuts you off in traffic," when the meaning intended is "I feel mad when someone cuts me off...".

Attention to this simple structural detail of communication willgreatly add to clarity and increased understanding. Too muchimportant communication is muddied with vague or impreciselanguage. Of course, sometimes it feels safer to hide behindambiguities or vagueness than to say what is really felt.

The little word "but" is very important -- it subtly but firmlynegates all that has gone before. "You look nice in that dress,but...". That word signals the listener to pay particularattention to what follows, because there is the real point of the message! "I like you a lot, but..." In emotional orrelationship communication, "but" is a slippery character. Itallows the speaker to say all the right things in the first partof the sentence, and then slip the verbal knife between the ribswith the "but."

"Never" and "always" are likewise tricky words -- and rarelyaccurate. Communication which includes statements like "Youalways..." or "I never..." are likely to generate more heat thanlight. Life is rarely so simple that something is always ornever the case.

In everyday speech, we often confuse feeling and thought. "Ifeel that the world would be a better place if..." is not astatement of feeling (emotion), but a thought or cognition.Relationships between people are based upon emotion; we areconstantly listening for the subtle cues in conversation to seewhere we stand, or how our friend/spouse/lover is feeling towards us at this moment. Clarity in labelling emotions and thoughts helps the listener know how to receive the message.

Precise communication which captures the richness and nuance ofemotion as well as thought is learned behavior. None of us isborn knowing how to communicate clearly. It is possible toimprove relationships by improving communication. Simple,direct, clear and unambiguous communication with those personswho are most significant is a skill well worth learning.

David Yarian, Ph.D. is the creator of The Guide to Self-HelpBooks, http://www.Books4SelfHelp.com and co-author of Self-HelpCentral, an ezine to help you build a better life with self-helpresources. He is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and CertifiedSex Therapist in private practice in Nashville, TN. Hisprofessional website is http://www.DavidYarian.com.

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